A Safe Place

Based on the book: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of your Life by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Greetings Faithful Readers...

Have you ever had something taken from you? I have. In fact, it was quite a few things after our house had been broken into. My wife and I went from room to room trying to visually inventory what had been taken. Problem was...the most valuable thing that had been stolen was the feeling of security that my wife had experienced. For a long time, she couldn't come home to our house without the feeling that something had changed forever. Her sense of peace had been taken from her.

It was my responsibility to help her feel secure again. To feel protected...to feel safe...

Why? Because I love her. That's what I promised to do in our vows...in sickness and health...in good times and bad... I promised to stand by her side and keep her safe through anything...

If you're married....you made the same commitment.

Let me ask you something...how secure does your wife feel right now? I don't mean physically. I've known many wives who live behind security systems and locked doors and go to bed every night afraid... What are they afraid of? Why don't they feel secure? Glad you asked.

If romance is ever going to return to your marriage (or mine)...our wives MUST feel secure. I believe that there are 3 areas of security that we must nail down to make this happen:

1) Unresolved Past - Our wives need to feel like we understand the baggage that they had when we married them... Maybe it was a broken relationship...a divorce...abuse as a child...etc. In any case, we have to be careful how we help her with it. Most importantly, we need to show our wives (notice I didn't say just "tell" her...)...show our wives that our marriage is a safe place for her to talk about...and get past...her past. If you're not sure how to do this...I know Someone who does...God. Pray each night that you will have the wisdom to help your wife with this past insecurity. When you became one in marriage, her problems became problems that you are now both shouldering...does she feel that right now? Does your wife feel that her problems are still hers and that you tolerate them? The book says to pray with her NOT just for her. Let her know that when she walks in the door (or you do)...there is a safe place to handle what bounces around in her brain and makes her feel vulnerable, hurt, and worried.

2) Financial - Here's an area that I have handled very poorly. Intelligent fiscal responsibility makes our wife feel much more secure. This isn't because she can buy more things (although it might seem like it). Actually, having a smart money-managing husband takes the pressures of finances off of her and allows her to feel safe. Do you make wise financial decisions? Or do you buy impulsively...forcing her to act as the "parent" and tell you no about buying certain things. Are you paying your bills faithfully? Or does your wife have to help you juggle the money around until something falls? I know financial times are tough...but our wives want us to be part of the solution not part of the problem. I talk to so many couples where the man doesn't think he has to follow a financial plan because he is the primary wage earner. Remember, marriage is a partnership. There is no longer such a thing as the husband's money and the wife's money...it is your money together. The debt you assumed when you were married is now your debt. She isn't to blame for your financial crisis....you both are... If she's an impulsive spender...communicate and work it out. If you are...stop. Give your wife the financial security that she disparately wants for your marriage.

3) Unhealthy Relationships - Sometimes there are people that enter your wife's life that aren't healthy for her. A verbally abusive family member...a co-worker who challenges her unfairly...a friend who tells her things that are destructive to her self-esteem...ever see any of those? What are you doing about it? It is our responsibility, fellow husband, to step between those that are hurting our wife's heart and our beloved. Protect her. Shield her. Talk directly to those people and let them know that you are not going to tolerate that kind of treatment toward your wife. I know too many husbands who join in the "attack". A family member or friend starts picking a fight with the wife and the husband actually sees this as affirmation of his assessment of his wife's character flaws! Unbelievable. Unfortunately, I've done it. Goodness, I wish I could go back and play that out differently. My wife needs to know that I have her back AT ALL TIMES! This includes whenever she isn't even in the room. When I speak to others about her, it should be as if she is standing next to me...always.

Husband...your wife wants a secure environment to heal in, a fiscally responsible mate, and someone who protects her from unhealthy relationship attacks. Are you that man? If you stood in front of someone and said "I Do" to her... yes, you ARE that man.

So am I.

BV