Protecting Your Wife

Greetings Faithful (male and married) Readers...

It's Friday again...and time for another tip in re-sparking the romance in your marriage. Today we're going to look at something that I believe often goes unnoticed....at least by the husband... spirituality. If we're going to have renewed passion in our marriage, our wives must feel like we are not only physically and emotionally connecting, but also supportive in the matters of God.

If you are a Christ-follower and you are in a Christ-centered marriage, your relationship is constantly under attack. In the last several weeks I've talked about many of the arenas this takes place in...but the most important (by far) is your spiritual connection. Put simply, the devil doesn't want you and your wife to grow more like Christ. The enemy wants your conversations, sexual thoughts, actions, viewing habits, and future plans to all stay worldly with no thought whatsoever of Jesus. It's up to US, guys, to change that.

Like it or not, if you are a Christian man in a Christian marriage...you are the pastor of the home. You set the spiritual thermostat. If your kids aren't praying or your wife feels spiritually disconnected...guess what...it's your responsibility to change/fix that. Hear this...you will never have true intimacy and romance with your wife if you and she are not tied together spiritually. That's why, as a Pastor, I will not marry people of different faiths or one is a believer and the other isn't. Spiritual oneness (like-mindedness) is critical for marital success and romantic connection.

I am bringing some help today... Here are 4 ways the book suggests that we can lead our wives spiritually:

1) Taking the lead in daily prayer -
James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Let me admit something right off the bat. I stink at this. My wife and I don't pray seriously together very often. Should we? Absolutely. We are missing out on one of God's greatest gifts we have as a couple. You know what's amazing? When we do pray together, we both finish feeling closer than ever...intimacy grows...and we feel in sync relationally. Why don't we do it more often? I could give you excuses like.. "no time" or "we forget to" or the popular "we both have separate quiet times so we don't really need to". All of these excuses are lame. Prayer together is my responsibility and I have been dropping the ball. I spend A LOT of time praying for others on the Internet Campus and have neglected my soul mate. I am not writing this because I am proud of it. Men, this is so important to get right. Pray with your wife...pray for HER... pray for her protection, spiritual development, stress level, etc. and watch God get loose in her life. I am going to work on this and I expect you, faithful reader, to do the same.

2) Taking the Lead in Spiritual Growth
Ephesians 5: 25-26a "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,"

Encourage your wife's spiritual growth. Take HER to church...seek out new Bible study opportunities...lead in family quiet time...get plugged into a ministry group together... Just do SOMETHING! Don't let your wife stagnate and get spiritually drained waiting for you to help out.... and she wants you to help her grow in her faith... You may not see this as romantic, but believe me, when your wife feels like you care about her connection with Christ, it will carry over into the way she knows you feel about her in general.

3) Taking the Lead in Spiritual Defense
Phil. 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I talk to so many husbands who do the first two. They pray with their wives...have an amazing quiet time...attend Bible study together...and then go home and ruin it by watching a TV show that is completely inappropriate. I'm not even talking porn...just violent, foul, disturbing viewing that completely counteracts what you claim to be defending when you carry around your Bible. Your wife want you to take the lead and control the content of media in your house. From movies to music to even video games, she longs for you to set the example. For 11 months out of the year, Sports Illustrated is awesome. That 12th month swimsuit edition may make your wife feel less about herself....get rid of it. Those rated-R movies that you like to watch with the violence and sex...are those what she wants you to feed your mind? I'm not asking you to change and her to stay the same...what I am saying is...talk to your wife about this. Ask her what she thinks about all of this... Isn't your marriage worth denying yourself a little "entertainment"?

4) Forgiveness -
Ephesians 4: 31-32 "Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you." (TM)

Do you want to spiritually lead and protect your wife? Forgive her. Demonstrate humility...be like Christ. I love this quote from the book "There is no greater turnoff for a woman than a man who is arrogant, stubborn, and rebellious, one who is self-centered and refuses to admit fault and seek forgiveness."

Wow. Is that you? Is that me? I talk to so many men who tell me "that sounds like how my mom described my dad..." Is that leaking over into your current relationship? If so...make the choice to build intimacy....forgive.

Four challenges...with four very clear ways of building spiritual protection around your wife. Don't make the same mistake that so many people (including me) have made and neglect this...it is not only important...it is the foundation for anything else.

Thanks for reading these...I know they are tough sometimes, but I appreciate your investment of time in your wife and your marriage. I am praying for you, faithful reader. Please pray for me.

BV

Romantic Conversation

Greetings Faithful (male and married) Readers,

Exodus 4:12 "Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”

What is the difference between light from a flashlight and light from a laser? Can you guess? It's focus. Same light...different focus...different intensity... Now here's a follow up question... what's the difference between talking to your wife and having a conversation with your wife? Give up? It's focus. When was the last time you had a purposeful, open, and focused discussion with the woman you love?

That's what we're going to talk about today...communication. One of our wives' greatest needs is to be heard and understood by us...and for us to communicate with them at a deeper level. Deeper than what you might be asking? Have you ever answered this question?

"How was your day?"

How did you answer that? Was it just, "fine" and then you moved on? Is there a better way to answer this? The book suggests that there is. We need to offer specifics when we talk with our wives.. "My day was great! I turned in those reports and had a great lunch with the guys!"

Doesn't that sound better?

But you're not done yet...I'm going to take you WAY out on the limb right now...your wife wants you to add...how you feel... to the answer! Wait! Please don't leave! It's true...if we're ever going to re-spark the romance, we have to share the way we feel with our wives... Here's that answer again...this time with some emotional connection.

"My day was great! I turned in those reports and had a great lunch with the guys! Those guys are so awesome to hang around with...they really make me feel like I'm part of the group! I can't believe I used to be nervous around them...and now they're some of my best friends..."

See the difference? Sharing emotional details makes your wife feel like she's on the "inside." Like she matters...here's the deal...if you aren't having deep, focused communication with your wife, she will begin to feel more like an object rather than a partner. Someone you grunt at rather than share with... She knows you have emotions and when you don't share them with her, she'll wonder if it's her fault. Don't let that happen. It's a romance killer.

Want to know how you're doing in this area? Be bold...ask your wife these three questions:

1) On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our communication?
2) What's the best time and place for us to talk?
3) What is the one thing that I could do better communicating with you?

Challenging...I know... But here's the deal, if you and I aren't communicating with our wives at a deeper level...somebody else will get the chance to. A co-worker, friend, neighbor...some man will get the chance to step in and fill the communication needs that your wife has. It's called emotional adultery....and it's common. We don't share and have focused discussions with our wives...they find another man to listen to them and share with. It's not all women...but why put your wife in that position? Why give her the temptation to share her hopes and dreams (and listen to his?) Step up. Be the man of her dreams.

Take some time this week to initiate a good conversation with your wife. Talk to her about her....her feelings, hopes, and dreams. Be sure to share yours with her... I promise that the bond will grow stronger and your marriage will move from flashlight to laser in no time.

Praying for your marriage...please pray for mine,
BV

Based on the book: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of your Life by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Tell Her About It!

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that you're for real

Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Tell her about it
Let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you
Tell her you wish you were there

Tell her about it
Every day before you leave
Pay her some attention
Give her something to believe

"Tell Her About It" by Billy Joel

Greetings Faithful (male and married) Readers...

Were you singing those lyrics? C'mon...it's OK... I was...

It's time for our Friday post about marriage...where you and I learn new ways to re-spark the romance with our wives. Today's post is a little different in that it is a list. A list of several of my favorite (non-sexual) ways of affirming my wife (taken from the book Rekindling the Romance).

Last post, we talked about our wives' need for affirmation...a confirmation of who she is as a person and a child of God. Do you refer to your wife as "my beloved" or more like "the little woman" or "my ball and chain"? If it is the latter...read on... here is a list of several ways we can let our wives know that we love and cherish them... Remember, the end game here is not a sexual encounter... you are doing these simply because you value HER:

Here are my top 10 from the book:
1) Hug and kiss her every morning before leaving the house.
2) Leave love notes for her where she doesn't expect them to be (bathroom mirror, car, etc.)
3) Go one entire day without criticizing anything about her. Instead, notice something you appreciate about her and let her know...
4) Send her an email in the middle of the day and just let her know that you are thinking about her
5) If you're parents...compliment her ability as a mother and let your kids know they have a great mom
6) Brag on your wife in public
7) Bring back common courtesies with your wife (pull out the chair, open the door for her...etc.)
8) Initiate prayer with her daily
9) Clean her car. If it's your car too...keep it clean for her when she goes out
10) Put the toilet seat down... I know it's cliche but you still leave it up, don't you...? :-)

There are several more in the book, but these will get you started. I have to warn you...when you start doing these things and you haven't in the past...your wife is automatically going to think you are doing it for a specific reason (wink..wink...) Prove to her that she's wrong. You are doing it because she is your soul mate...your lover...and your best friend.

See you next week,
BV

Based on the book: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of your Life by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Make the Connection

Greetings Faithful (male and married) Readers...

Proverbs 16:24 " Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."

This week we round out the three elements necessary to bring romance back into your marriage. At this point, our wives feel secure and accepted for who they are...now we learn to emotionally connect with them. The book describes three ways to do this:



1) Compliment them
When was the last time you complemented your wife out of the blue. Just because. Maybe the light hit her face just so and you imagined how she looked when you first met...and what attracted her to you...did you tell her that? How about food at home? Do you just expect dinner...or express your appreciation that she spent time preparing an amazing meal? Complementing your wife is crucial. Now I can hear some of you already saying it. "What if she doesn't do anything that I think deserves a complement...when she earns one, I'll give it!"

Open your eyes.

Your wife is always worthy of a complement. Look harder at her...spend more quality time with her...talk to her...appreciate her...try to understand her... you will find the reasons to help her feel good about herself. Your wife should not have to earn complements from you. They should flow freely and regularly. Remember, these complements are meant to come with no strings attached... They are genuine statements designed to make your wife feel like a princess. When was the last time your wife was complemented? Maybe the bigger question is...who was the complement from? If it wasn't from you..and you don't give them out..somebody else will. Are you seeing my point?

Bonus tip: Be sure to talk complementary about your wife...even when she's not around. People around you should know how wonderful you think your wife is...

2) Talk to them
This can be challenging to some men. It has been said that women have twice as many words to share per day then men do...is that true in your house? Do you find that your wife is the primary communicator in the relationship? When she wants to talk with you, what is your first reaction? I'll tell you mine... and it hurts to type this... I am a "get to the point" person. When my wife wants to talk and share with me..I want her to get to the point of the story as quickly as possible. However, the interesting thing in all of this is that when I want to share a story I want her to listen and respond to me as if I was telling her the most interesting thing she'd ever heard.

Ouch.

I need to listen and talk...give and take...focus on her and share what is important in my life with her.

My dad never did this. He would come home...walk through the door to the back room....grunt something out to my mom... and stay disconnected...oftentimes for the rest of the evening. He communicated only when he had to in most cases. You can imagine the emotional disconnect that my mom felt. I have the feeling that this scenario is not as uncommon as I think. Is that you? Are you really talking with your wife? Sharing your day? Communicating the way you feel about things in an open and honest dialogue? If not...start. I know it might be a total 180 degree shift for you to do it....but you will be surprised what wise counsel she might have that will help in your life and the life you share together.

3) Ask her what SHE is feeling
I think the reason most of us husbands don't really ask how are wives are feeling about stuff is either a) We don't really care or b) we don't know what to do with the information. If our wives express their hopes, fears, dreams, and feelings...we instantly morph into fix-it mode and try to rationalize or logically synthesize the information. Don't. Resist the urge. Talk to your wife and ask her some questions deeper than "What's for dinner?" Here are a few from the book to get you started:

-What was one of your proudest achievements before we met?
-What would you say was our best family vacation and why?
-What dreams do you have for our children?
-What do you long to experience with me in our marriage?

Take the risk...ask the questions...focus on the answers...enjoy your wife.

Well, those are the big three: security, acceptance, and emotional connection. I challenge you this week to pick one and run with it. Tell your wife what you are going to do and then go after it with the tenacity that you had when you first wanted to date her...

We live in a world that wants you to act exactly the way you are right now...no deeper...no stronger...with your wife. Let's really go after this and rekindle the romance that we once had. I know you can do it!

Know that I am praying for your marriage. Please pray for mine.

BV

Based on the book: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of your Life by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Show and Tell

Greetings Faithful (Married Male) Readers...

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

- "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton

We're talking about the three sparks that will bring the romance back to your marriage. Last week, we hit "security" and this week we're talking about... affirmation. Making your wife feel special...like she's beautiful...like she wants to feel...
I know what some are saying..."I do tell my wife she's beautiful all the time!" If that's you...way to go...that will help fan the flames of romance in your relationship. However, you have to take out every time you've said it with the following motivation:

1) You want sex
2) You are having sex

While it is important to share during those times as well...it is even more important to tell her with no agenda at all. Our wives want to feel valued...they want to be accepted the way they are.... Do you realize that they compare themselves to all of the women that we secretly stare at? Don't worry...they know that you are looking...they're looking too, but with a different motivation... men lust (but shouldn't) and women compare... Has it occurred to you that they are competing directly with the airbrush and photoshop work done in magazines? Our wives feel...too fat, too skinny, not tall enough, not funny enough, different after having kids, self-conscious, self-depreciating, and just plain lousy about themselves sometimes.

It's up to us to change that.

You married an amazing woman. She is beautiful inside and out. When she walks in a room...look at her...she is the most incredible friend and lover you could ever imagine. Now some of you are saying...I don't feel that way anymore...she's let herself go...she doesn't care about the way she looks anymore...she doesn't make an effort for me... All I can say to that is...how selfish. Take a look in the mirror. If you're anything like me, you've probably changed as well. I sometimes tease my wife and tell her that she wants me to have six-pack abs and all I can give her is a party keg (but I'm working on it...). People change...bodies change...our feeling toward our wife's beauty should not change...

What am I saying? You should be your wife's biggest source of affirmation and support. Many husbands I know have taken it upon themselves to try and "change" their wives through sarcasm and "playful" jabs...it doesn't work. Your wife wants unconditional acceptance. After all, God made her. She is precious to Him. You married her. You took a vow to love her in sickness and in health...in good times and in bad...for as long as you both shall live....remember?

The book, Rekindling the Romance, says it this way about your wife...
"She secretly hopes you'll notice and commend her various qualities-her receptivity and obedience to God, her personality, her faithfulness in raising children and making a home. Because you are the most important person in her life, your affirmation and acceptance unleash an inner beauty and a confidence that radiate."

I can promise you this...the romance will return to your marriage if your wife feels loved, secure, confident, and affirmed in who she is. It is my prayer that these posts help you (and me) love our wives with new eyes...and a fresh desire to be the man of her dreams.

BV

Based on the book: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of your Life by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

A Safe Place

Based on the book: Rekindling the Romance: Loving the Love of your Life by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Greetings Faithful Readers...

Have you ever had something taken from you? I have. In fact, it was quite a few things after our house had been broken into. My wife and I went from room to room trying to visually inventory what had been taken. Problem was...the most valuable thing that had been stolen was the feeling of security that my wife had experienced. For a long time, she couldn't come home to our house without the feeling that something had changed forever. Her sense of peace had been taken from her.

It was my responsibility to help her feel secure again. To feel protected...to feel safe...

Why? Because I love her. That's what I promised to do in our vows...in sickness and health...in good times and bad... I promised to stand by her side and keep her safe through anything...

If you're married....you made the same commitment.

Let me ask you something...how secure does your wife feel right now? I don't mean physically. I've known many wives who live behind security systems and locked doors and go to bed every night afraid... What are they afraid of? Why don't they feel secure? Glad you asked.

If romance is ever going to return to your marriage (or mine)...our wives MUST feel secure. I believe that there are 3 areas of security that we must nail down to make this happen:

1) Unresolved Past - Our wives need to feel like we understand the baggage that they had when we married them... Maybe it was a broken relationship...a divorce...abuse as a child...etc. In any case, we have to be careful how we help her with it. Most importantly, we need to show our wives (notice I didn't say just "tell" her...)...show our wives that our marriage is a safe place for her to talk about...and get past...her past. If you're not sure how to do this...I know Someone who does...God. Pray each night that you will have the wisdom to help your wife with this past insecurity. When you became one in marriage, her problems became problems that you are now both shouldering...does she feel that right now? Does your wife feel that her problems are still hers and that you tolerate them? The book says to pray with her NOT just for her. Let her know that when she walks in the door (or you do)...there is a safe place to handle what bounces around in her brain and makes her feel vulnerable, hurt, and worried.

2) Financial - Here's an area that I have handled very poorly. Intelligent fiscal responsibility makes our wife feel much more secure. This isn't because she can buy more things (although it might seem like it). Actually, having a smart money-managing husband takes the pressures of finances off of her and allows her to feel safe. Do you make wise financial decisions? Or do you buy impulsively...forcing her to act as the "parent" and tell you no about buying certain things. Are you paying your bills faithfully? Or does your wife have to help you juggle the money around until something falls? I know financial times are tough...but our wives want us to be part of the solution not part of the problem. I talk to so many couples where the man doesn't think he has to follow a financial plan because he is the primary wage earner. Remember, marriage is a partnership. There is no longer such a thing as the husband's money and the wife's money...it is your money together. The debt you assumed when you were married is now your debt. She isn't to blame for your financial crisis....you both are... If she's an impulsive spender...communicate and work it out. If you are...stop. Give your wife the financial security that she disparately wants for your marriage.

3) Unhealthy Relationships - Sometimes there are people that enter your wife's life that aren't healthy for her. A verbally abusive family member...a co-worker who challenges her unfairly...a friend who tells her things that are destructive to her self-esteem...ever see any of those? What are you doing about it? It is our responsibility, fellow husband, to step between those that are hurting our wife's heart and our beloved. Protect her. Shield her. Talk directly to those people and let them know that you are not going to tolerate that kind of treatment toward your wife. I know too many husbands who join in the "attack". A family member or friend starts picking a fight with the wife and the husband actually sees this as affirmation of his assessment of his wife's character flaws! Unbelievable. Unfortunately, I've done it. Goodness, I wish I could go back and play that out differently. My wife needs to know that I have her back AT ALL TIMES! This includes whenever she isn't even in the room. When I speak to others about her, it should be as if she is standing next to me...always.

Husband...your wife wants a secure environment to heal in, a fiscally responsible mate, and someone who protects her from unhealthy relationship attacks. Are you that man? If you stood in front of someone and said "I Do" to her... yes, you ARE that man.

So am I.

BV

Marriage Post Delayed

Greetings Faithful Readers...

Well, Friday has come and gone and I haven't posted my "Rekindling the Romance" post yet... Today, I spent the day volunteering at my daughter's school and just let the time slip...

Be on the lookout for this week's post soon (hopefully by Monday)... I'll be back on regular schedule next week.

Until then...
BV

What My Wife Really Needs

Greetings Faithful (male and married) Readers...

It's time for another post in my series "My Wife if Worth the Fight". If you haven't caught the other posts...it's probably worth your time to go back and check them out by clicking the image on the right side of the page...

I've been on this planet for 37 years and I've learned one important truth...you can't get something for nothing. There is always a cost involved. As I read through today's chapter of the book "Rekindling the Romance", I realized that many times I have tried to do just that. Put rather bluntly...I've tried to get my wife to have sex with me without investing anything into our relationship. Nothing. In fact, the days I tend to desire her more are the days when I am the center of my own little universe. The saddest part is...sometimes she goes through with it. She gives me the physical release I am looking for and meanwhile suffers from a lack of genuine connection with me. Why am I telling you this? Not only is it cheaper than therapy..but also I suspect that many of you are just like me.

My wife married me with three basic needs in her heart: acceptance, security, and an emotional connection. What do each of those mean? Acceptance is my opportunity to love my wife exactly the way God made her...not to try and fix or change who she is. Security can be financial, physical, emotional, relational or spiritual. Mindy needs to know that she is safe around me. That when she talks to me, my mood is going to be consistent and understanding...not harsh, judgmental, and critical. Lastly, the emotional connection that we share is meant to deepen through meaningful conversation, the sharing of dreams, and the protection (at all costs) of trust. If I'm not providing these three to her consistently, I can expect her desire for me sexually to wane.

Fact is, some husbands are having sex with very lonely wives. Is that you? Is that me?

Here's the fact: some of us are more interested in an active sex life than we are making sure our wife feels connected to us. We are telling our wives...stay in shape, respect our authority, be a great mom, stay attentive, and be ready for physical intimacy at our request... yet aren't making much of an effort to love them like Christ loves the church...

Christ loves the church with everything He is. He died for it.

Are you loving your wife at that level? Am I? Am I making every effort to give her more than 4 minutes of meaningful conversation a day (the national average)? Am I trying to change my wife into the woman I hoped she'd be? Am I providing a safe environment for her to share her feelings? Am I really listening to her when she does?

I know these are tough questions...but the whole point of restoring the romance in your marriage is changing what isn't working about ourselves.

I'll conclude with this thought: I have discovered over my 15 year marriage that my wife would much rather have me doing things WITH her than FOR her. She wants me. She wants my time and my heart. She wants a best friend and not just a roommate. When I begin to live in that paradigm...when I start to see my marriage as a relationship rather than just "relations"....I begin to grow as a man.

Want your wife to be more responsive sexually? Stop trying to manipulate her feelings and spend the energy becoming the man of her dreams.

Let's go after it together...

BV

Commitment to the Core

Greetings Faithful Readers...

surprise |sə(r)ˈprīz| noun
1 an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing
• a feeling of mild astonishment or shock caused by something unexpected

What is this a picture of to the left? I'll give you a minute... What did you say it was? A banana? A peach? Of course not...it has to be an apple. Let's take a closer look at it... red skin, nice yellow coloring of the fruit, great apple core shape...it's got to be an apple. In fact, I would buy this fruit, stick it in my fruit bowl, and just enjoy the ripe red color of it...thinking that I had found the perfect apple specimen. I mean, I'm no apple expert...but I certainly know everything about this particular beauty.

Turns out this isn't an apple at all. It's a "Grapple"...an apple that tastes like a grape (www.grapplefruits.com)... I've been tricked! That beautiful "apple" is NOT what I thought it was!

Are you following me already?

Some of your marriages are just like this grapple. She looked like a princess...you courted her...she smelled amazing...you shared common interests...you laughed together and dreamed together...got married to her...brought her home... experienced an amazing first year or two...then her real "flavor" began to emerge. Have you ever asked yourself these questions from the book?

"Why can't she cook as well as my mother?"
"Why does she have to talk so much?"
"Why doesn't she want sex as much as I do?"
"Why can't she ever be ready on time?"

She looked like the perfect wife... said the right things... looked the part... You thought you married a prize...but you got a surprise? I hear it often.

Some of you right now are wondering if you got a bad deal. C'mon. You feel trapped...manipulated...tricked. I understand. Maybe some of you have thrown out the "D" word (divorce) in conversations before...perhaps a couple of you have threatened to walk out on your family... or maybe there's even a few of you who have. Here's the truth. If you want romance to return to your marriage....your spouse has to feel secure in your commitment to her...regardless of the "surprises" that may have surfaced.

In order for your wife to feel your commitment (surprises and all), she's got to have these things from you...

Your love, respect, spiritual leadership, trust, patience, encouragement, faithfulness, commitment, and acceptance.

I know...I know...you're already pushing back..."why is it always on me?" What about her? Why isn't there a list of what I need from her? Because this is about you. It's about me. Here's the deal. You aren't going to be able to change your wife. Say it with me. "I will never be able to change my wife...I can only change myself." Alright? Let's start there.

Want to know how to deal with those little surprises that have risen to the surface of your marriage? Remember these three critical facts:

1) God brought your wife and you together. He wants it to succeed more than either of you do.
2) Respectful and God-honoring communication is critical for you to better understand your wife
3) You (and I) need to be less selfish (Hebrews 12:1)

The book puts it well... "He [talking about us] must decide whether he's willing to put aside his hobbies, his agenda, his sports, or other desires and commit to loving his wife no matter what comes..."

Is your wife worth it? Let me help you with that... Yes she is. All day long.

This isn't easy for any of us. We didn't bargain for what we married into sometimes... but we've got to make the changes in ourselves first...it is then (and only then) that we can then work with our wives to resolve the larger issues. Your marriage and commitment to your wife and to God is worth it. It is only by navigating through this phase of our romance...that we can ever hope to get to the third (and greatest) stage: cherished, committed love. And that's another post...

Until next time,
BV

PS: Check the apples in the fridge...one of them might taste like a grape!

The Good Stuff

Greetings Faithful Readers,

Well, it's Friday...so it's time for my weekly post about restoring the romance in your marriage. If you missed the last post, just go back a couple. It isn't essential reading to understand this one...but it wouldn't hurt to read it.

Regardless, we're going to take a look at the first chapter of the book for the next three weeks. There is a lot of great content in there, and I don't want to gloss over any of it as less important.

So let's dig in. The author talks about the phases of romance in marriage... and most of us have gone through at least two of them... Today we're going to focus on the one that's the most fun... New Love. Man, this phase is awesome. Everything is romantic! You find yourself dancing in the living room...kissing every 8 seconds...and the marriage bed needs a fire extinguisher. She is the absolute center of your universe.

I've been there. When I was courting my wife, we'd spend hours on the phone talking about absolutely nothing. Just the sound of her voice is what kept my heart beating hard. I knew that when we got married all we were going to do was sit on the couch...hold hands...and stare at each other...drinking each other in... Then, when we actually got married, things couldn't have been more incredible. We lived in a small duplex (it was owned by her grandfather and the rent was cheap!). Every morning we woke up together with a big kiss. Her skin glowed and her hair flowed. I was enamored with her. My friends that had been married longer than I was kept telling me that it would wear off...but I refused to believe them. After all, I was in control of my emotions...why couldn't this feeling last forever?

I'm here to tell you today... that "new love" feeling has waned. I honestly don't know how it happened (I think I do...but that's next week's post). My wife is more beautiful today than ever...why don't I want to spontaneously go to the beach at night and kiss under the stars? Why don't I feel the need to write little love notes all the time or plan romantic getaways. I'll tell you why...and it's hard to admit this... I don't think I have to do those things anymore. We're married.

Now before you leave me a nasty comment (or a supportive one if you agree...)... My feelings in this case are wrong. I may not be able to sustain the euphoria of "new" love but I can certainly still (and should) do some of the things that I did to win her heart. That's why I'm reading the book and sharing the insight with you. I told you from the start I would be honest in this..and I am trying to be.

If you were to sit down with your wife and look through your wedding album...what would the feeling be?

1) Those were the "good old days" when we were romantic
or
2) We are even more romantic today than we were then.

What do you think? Am I alone in this? Does your marriage still have that "new love" flavor? Are you still romancing your wife at the same level you did when you first met or got married? If so, kudos. You are excused from class with an "A" . If not, and I suspect there are many of you on my boat, stick around...we're going to dive in next week to the second phase of romance - reality. Anybody marry a prize only to find a surprise (or ten)? Stay tuned faithful reader...

Until then...
BV

What do I know about Romance?

Greetings Faithful Readers...

Let me just start out my first Friday marriage/romance post with this declaration: I despise books about romance. Hear me. I don't like them. Why? Put simply...they make me feel like a jerk. They make me feel like the only way that I can bring romance into my relationship with my wife is to drain every ounce of God-given testosterone, rent a copy of Steel Magnolias, and turn in my man-card. Most marriage/romance books make me look like a failure as a husband...not truly understanding my wife....as if she lived in some mysterious land inhabited by heroic and sensitive ladies that were hooked on the Lifetime network.

This book is different. I know. That's what you expected me to say...but it's true.

Every Friday, starting today, I will be diving into what the book "Rekindling the Romance" has shown me about myself and the relationship with my wife. You will hear blunt honesty. You will read the word sex (probably more than once). I will admit when I am not doing the things I am telling you that you need to do. I will not be hypocritical or gloss-over challenging parts... For those of you that know me...you may discover things about me and my marriage that shocks you... or confirms what you already suspect. I don't know where this series of posts will take me...but I do know that they will be my most transparent. These aren't posts about Disney and breakfast cereal. I want God to save and enhance your marriage...and I will do my level best to provide some tools to do so. Pray for me.

Let's kick it off.

I am not a typical man. Most men see the basis of a satisfying marriage as sex. I am not most men. Every book I ever read about marriage before I got married told me that I was supposed to have an insatiable desire for sex. Anytime and anywhere. I wasn't that way. I'm not sure why. I've always seen it as an important facet in a much larger picture. Now before you go and pin the "sensitive" badge on me...it isn't like I didn't desire it...it was just that I saw other things as equally important. I wanted my thoughts listened to. I wanted my space when I wanted it. I wanted my wife to see me as a leader but only when I felt like leading. All of that...and when I felt like some "adult time"...she should be ready for me. I've never written those things down before... but that's the whole point of this first post. You've got to be willing to reveal who you really are to your wife if you are going to bring back the spark.

When my wife brought up this "dual post" idea...I thought about it for a second. I didn't really want to write about a topic that I struggled with secretly. I love her so much..but she knows that...I didn't need to write about the fact that I wasn't some latin lover (or even latin for that matter). But I think the very first way that I began to show her I wanted our marriage to strengthen was to agree to open up and post with her. Guys, we've got to admit to ourselves that we aren't perfect and have room to improve in ALL departments...romance and otherwise.

My wife sees romance differently than I do. She sees our relationship through different lenses. She seeks closeness and vulnerability in a shell of toughness and protection. I do not do all of those well...but, as the author states, I have to understand these things and seek to improve them about myself. That's our first step guys...admit these things. We're blowing it in a lot of ways...and we get the opportunity to fix them. You may not want to openly admit that you are struggling...but you know that things could be and have been better. How about it, guys...are you going to crack open that shell a little and work with me on this? Or am I the only man on the planet who stinks at reading the signals.

The first chapter of this book has helped me realize that I am not alone in my feelings. I am part of a much larger club of guys who hide stuff and fake that they fully understand the dynamics of their relationship. Self-realization is tough. Maybe I am a typical man after all.

This road may be a little bumpy in the coming weeks...but I'm hoping that you stick it out with me. You won't always agree with my opinion...you may want to shout "amen" after the posts...but in either case, it is my prayer that the marriage that God has brought together between you and your wife catches fire again.

BV

Fight For Your Marriage... TOGETHER!

Greetings Faithful Readers...

I've got an exciting announcement! Starting next Friday...Mindy and I will be "team-blogging" on marriage! We will be going through the book, "Rekindling the Romance"... If you've never read it, there are two parts to the book....one for the wife and one for the husband. Mindy's going to be writing on her section and I'll write on mine..EVERY FRIDAY! Two different posts...one goal...strengthening your marriage and rekindling the romance!

This is the button that you'll see on the posts as well as on the side of our blogs. If you'd like to put the button on your page...here's the code:

<a href="http://brianvasil.blogspot.com/search/label/Fight%20For%20Your%20Marriage"><img src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/mindyvasil/SJuO6i7PC8I/AAAAAAAAAfM/S_tYrZOyFP4/manmarriage.jpg" /></a>

I'm really excited about this...it is my prayer that your marriage will be stronger as a result of reading the posts on my blog as well as my wife's.

Sound cool? See you soon!

BV