What My Wife Really Needs

Greetings Faithful (male and married) Readers...

It's time for another post in my series "My Wife if Worth the Fight". If you haven't caught the other posts...it's probably worth your time to go back and check them out by clicking the image on the right side of the page...

I've been on this planet for 37 years and I've learned one important truth...you can't get something for nothing. There is always a cost involved. As I read through today's chapter of the book "Rekindling the Romance", I realized that many times I have tried to do just that. Put rather bluntly...I've tried to get my wife to have sex with me without investing anything into our relationship. Nothing. In fact, the days I tend to desire her more are the days when I am the center of my own little universe. The saddest part is...sometimes she goes through with it. She gives me the physical release I am looking for and meanwhile suffers from a lack of genuine connection with me. Why am I telling you this? Not only is it cheaper than therapy..but also I suspect that many of you are just like me.

My wife married me with three basic needs in her heart: acceptance, security, and an emotional connection. What do each of those mean? Acceptance is my opportunity to love my wife exactly the way God made her...not to try and fix or change who she is. Security can be financial, physical, emotional, relational or spiritual. Mindy needs to know that she is safe around me. That when she talks to me, my mood is going to be consistent and understanding...not harsh, judgmental, and critical. Lastly, the emotional connection that we share is meant to deepen through meaningful conversation, the sharing of dreams, and the protection (at all costs) of trust. If I'm not providing these three to her consistently, I can expect her desire for me sexually to wane.

Fact is, some husbands are having sex with very lonely wives. Is that you? Is that me?

Here's the fact: some of us are more interested in an active sex life than we are making sure our wife feels connected to us. We are telling our wives...stay in shape, respect our authority, be a great mom, stay attentive, and be ready for physical intimacy at our request... yet aren't making much of an effort to love them like Christ loves the church...

Christ loves the church with everything He is. He died for it.

Are you loving your wife at that level? Am I? Am I making every effort to give her more than 4 minutes of meaningful conversation a day (the national average)? Am I trying to change my wife into the woman I hoped she'd be? Am I providing a safe environment for her to share her feelings? Am I really listening to her when she does?

I know these are tough questions...but the whole point of restoring the romance in your marriage is changing what isn't working about ourselves.

I'll conclude with this thought: I have discovered over my 15 year marriage that my wife would much rather have me doing things WITH her than FOR her. She wants me. She wants my time and my heart. She wants a best friend and not just a roommate. When I begin to live in that paradigm...when I start to see my marriage as a relationship rather than just "relations"....I begin to grow as a man.

Want your wife to be more responsive sexually? Stop trying to manipulate her feelings and spend the energy becoming the man of her dreams.

Let's go after it together...

BV