Time Change

Good late night/early morning faithful reader...

Well tonight went well. It was my first time playing bass on the weekend in a long time. After finishing at 5:30, I was asked by another staff member if I wanted feedback on my leading the first song. I told him yes and he politely told me that I needed to smile more.

I thought about that for a moment. I smiled, didn't I? I know that I was happy inside...didn't I show it? Kinda got me to thinking. Those thoughts are this blog post.

How many times do my emotions go unstated. I do have feelings... I do mean to let people know how I feel...sometimes I just don't. Or won't. Or can't.

Emotions are hard for me. I don't honestly know how to show simple things like affection for others or mercy. Not sure why that is. I am not a hugger by nature...I don't enjoy friendly "chatter" for it's own sake and I don't like long stories. I am a "get-to-the-point" type of guy through and through. That may surprise many of you... or not.

But even as I wrote the paragraph above....I thought of what could be. I really could use a good hug once in awhile. I need to just stop and enjoy a pointless conversation. I need to listen to a long story without trying to critique the storyteller or fix the dilemma presented therein.

I don't want people to see me as an untouchable, unapproachable, distant person. That was my father. Inside I AM smiling. Inside, I DO want to let you get to know me. I just feel awkward letting it out or allowing it.

It's time to change. I don't need to live out the rest of my life with this intense desire to have everything within my control. I realize now that I cannot control the human heart. I cannot change all things using logic, intelligence, or wit. I cannot fix people. I cannot grow as a person if I keep trying to live life by (and sometimes for) myself. God has created something special in me (as He has you). I don't want to squander it by marinading in insecurity and a lack of self-identity.

I feel things - I just don't always express them well. Be kind to me...I'm growing.

BV